In 2017, my life changed in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I had just given birth to my son and was experiencing a midlife crisis. My two-hour commute from New York City to my job as an economist in Philadelphia became unbearable. My marriage, once manageable, began to fall apart, and at work, rejections were mounting. I felt that my male colleagues had more hours in their day and seemed to accomplish more. I noticed how well others managed work, family, and life, while I struggled to keep up.
One day, track repairs on my train line left me commuting six hours just to work for four. I pumped breast milk in the train bathroom, crying, because I wouldn’t make it home in time for my son. I didn’t feel as if I “had it all.” I didn’t have the career I wanted, a thriving home, or even the energy to enjoy life. Most of all, I was exhausted.
Many working women share similar experiences. Despite progress in the workplace, gender roles at home have largely stayed the same. Women still do most of the housework, whether they earn more or less than their partners. Even men who earn less than a fifth of household income do about the same housework as those who earn much more. Women who are primary earners cook and clean nearly twice as much as their spouses. Mothers today spend twice as much time with their children compared to a generation ago. Yet wages have stagnated, and women’s representation in leadership remains limited.
For too long, women have been expected to accept unsustainable deals in work and life, and to compensate by working harder or practicing self-care. This approach is failing. Women’s happiness is lower than it was twenty years ago, while men’s happiness has been improving. Something needs to change.
After my exhausting train experience, I made major life changes. I ended my marriage, moved to Philadelphia, and replaced my long commute with a seven-minute bike ride. I could afford more space and hired a live-in au pair, giving me real help with my son for the first time.
As an economist studying the decisions shaping women’s lives, I have found a guiding question that helps: Am I getting a good deal? Life is complex, and there is no single solution or quick fix. But asking for more from partners, employers, and society can make a difference. Prioritizing time means focusing on what truly matters and letting go of tasks that don’t add value. Negotiation should become a standard practice at work to secure flexible schedules, raises, promotions, or resources. Asking for help at home is essential, whether through sharing responsibilities, hiring support, or coordinating with co-parents. Setting boundaries allows women to say no to obligations that drain energy without meaningful reward, while investing in career development through mentorship, training, and networking increases growth and visibility.
Women should focus on self-care in meaningful ways, making rest, mental health, and personal time priorities without guilt. Building a supportive community provides advice, accountability, and encouragement. Reassessing commitments regularly helps align responsibilities with priorities, and being assertive in meetings, family discussions, and negotiations ensures their voices are heard. Planning for the long term in career, finances, and personal growth allows consistent progress toward meaningful goals.
Women face real and often overwhelming challenges in balancing work, home, and personal life. By focusing on getting better deals in all areas, it is possible to regain control, improve outcomes, and increase happiness. The question is not whether women can do it all, but whether they can secure what they truly need and deserve.
